Funny Jokes

Worth a read if you have the time:

There is nothing like a nice warm curry!!

CONTEST: If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope
> for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

> For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
> They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
> >From America.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
> the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
> that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
> tasting, so I accepted".
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
> CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
> When they saw the look on my face.
>
> CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> my backbone
> is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a curry.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
> beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
> starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
> chili peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
> longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
> contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
> brain damage.
> Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
> from the pitcher.
> I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
> other judges
> asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
> stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
> of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot curry?
> Judge # 3 - No Report.

Haha I was pissing myself with laughter

An oldie but a goody - in keeping with the theme of the week keeping.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the
other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know. "she says"
'It's best I stay here. 'he says.'
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'FFS - Because, I'm the f******* goalie'

hahahaha
Nice one, reminds me of Paul when Gordo was taking the goal kicks, Paul was holding the post up for him!!!

I went to the doctor's office the other day @ my wife’s request and found out our
new family doctor is a young female


I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "my wife thinks my penis tastes funny."

New 2013 Ford




Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.



He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.


He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,



Ribbit 9 Iron.'


The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.



Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'



He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.


Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.



He is shocked.



He says to the frog,



'Wow that's amazing..




You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies,




'Ribbit Lucky frog.'



The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'



The man asks.



'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...



The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.



By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,



'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,



'Ribbit Las Vegas ..

' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,


'OK frog, now What?'



The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'



Upon approaching the roulette table,



The man asks,



'What do you think I should Bet?'



The frog replies,


'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.

Boom!



Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.



He sits the frog down and Says,



'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,


He deserves it..



With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.


'And that,

your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.


So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd

What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Westside Sunshine Lions players and fans in one room - if you're lucky?

A full set of teeth!

P. Katris as Striker 2 on Sunday : 'I've just had a good idea for strengthening the team.'

K. Tsakalis Striker 1 on Sunday : `Good! When are you leaving?'

Q: Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?

A: All of them, crossbars can't jump you idiot!

John Terry tried to put the racism trial behind him by taking his family to the zoo.

"Come here, kids," he said, pointing through the glass. "Look at that monkey! Ooh ooh ooh!"

The whole family laughed, before Terry pulled his wallet out and said, "Sorry, mate. Two adults and two children, please."

Chelsea FC have urged all of their fans to stand up to racism at their next home game.

Good idea, it's impossible to do a decent monkey impression sitting down.

What does Roberto Di Matteo and a Ladyboy have in common?

Two cups and the sack.

Mancini went into his local record store and asked for an album by the band who sang The final countdown.
"Sorry sir, we're out of Europe" said the assistant.
"Join the fucking club" replied Roberto

What do you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?

Self employed

I went to a strip club last night, but got kicked out after 5 minutes.

I didn't realise it's only the strippers who were supposed to take their clothes off.

whatever it takes huh........secret injection rooms? illegal substances.....WHATEVER IT TAKES!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84RzLY-UUqg&feature=youtu.be

Europol are alleging that a number of footballers have been playing badly, losing heavily and getting enormous sums of money for doing it.

Or 'playing for Liverpool' as it's better known.